Vegemite, Marmite or Our Mate?

Aussies kids are brought up on Vegemite sandwiches. Rumour has it that no true Aussie leaves Godzone (as they are inclined to refer to their fair country) without a tub, tube or jar of the stuff in their suitcase. They extol its virtues with an evangelical zeal. It's very hard for them to understand that those of us who spent our formative years in Britain may prefer Marmite.

It's not that I don't like Vegemite it's just that Marmite is the taste I grew up with and after a hard day at the chalkface if some comfort food is called for then Marmite hits the spot. OK, a G&T hits the spot even better for most folk but you get the general idea.

The product available in Aus called Marmite is, in fact, Vegemite which is made in NZ. Proper UK Marmite isn't available except in a few specialist shops imported under licence and costing three times the price. For an addict though, it's worth it. A jar of Marmite lasts a helluva long time after all so what's it matter if you spend a bit extra? The alternative is to beg visitors to smuggle it in through customs for you but since they brought in the sniffer dogs you don't like to ask. Aussie quarantine officials are fierce and if they catch you trying to bring in even a meat paste sandwich you'll soon wish you'd taken the easy route and become a heroin mule into Bangkok. The days of contraband yeast extract are over.

So, gentle reader, imagine my disappointment when I called in at my local supplier and was told there was to be no more Marmite. Sanitarium, producers of NZ Marmite, had got an injunction against the import, sale and display of UK Marmite as it was thought to be damaging sales of their own (dare I say, vastly inferior?) product. Weetabix ditto. Buy Sanitarium's Weetbix instead.

Sensing I was about to dissolve into tears the shopkeeper said in a conspiratorial manner, "Don't worry, luv, it'll be OK. Come back on Thursday." Sure enough, when Thursday came around I rushed back to the shop and got my fix. Goodbye Marmite. Hello Our Mate.

It would probably be churlish of me to suggest a worldwide boycott of Sanitarium products as revenge for their mean-spirited actions so I won't. We must all do as our conscience dictates in this matter.

Flying is Such Fun

I used to fly four or five times a year back in the days when I lived in countries I wanted to escape from at every opportunity and was paid well enough to do so. Now I live in Australia where the wages are a pittance but the lifestyle is so good you don't care. Not having flown anywhere for more than two years I was blissfully ignorant of the new security regulations so it came as a total surprise to be selected for a random explosives check before I'd even left Perth passport control. I suppose I must have been dynamite free as they let me through to the next set of x-rays. The whole time I was hanging on for dear life to a small plastic bag containing my Chapstick and a pot of Carmex lip balm. I'm an addict for sure and the prospect of 20 hours in the air with cracked lips was not appealing. Apparently if it had been loose in my bag they would have confiscated it as potentially hazardous. So if you were thinking of trying to smuggle in C4 disguised as Blisteze, forget it. They are way ahead of you.

Perth was lax compared to Heathrow where I queued for 40 minutes to get my bags x-rayed just so I could join the next queue to get my shoes x-rayed. And here I have to admit a breach of security. In the queue I struck up a conversation with a South African guy who discovered an unbagged Lip-ice about his person as we were about to finally reach the x-ray machine so I popped in with mine, how could I refuse to aid a fellow addict? Of course, I'd have looked pretty silly if it had turned out to be subversive and I'd have been dragged off stuttering "But that one's not mine."

I bought a bottle of gin duty free in Dubai and when I said I was flying to Perth with it they sent me to the wrapping desk where it was swaddled and placed in a huge box and sealed with tamper evident closures. I then had to haul this to a special desk at the departure gate where it was taken from me and given a sticky label as luggage. I didn't see it again till it came out on the baggage carousel with more than a few others.. all identical. D'oh!